In Jo'burg now. The plot seems to be thickening. On the flight, Lordie, Bhookha and Skipper were sitting in different corners. No words exchanged between any of them. Bhookha and coach had another round of discussions with Dildo. Apparently, they tried to explain to Dildo how Lordie doesn't fit into the scheme of things anymore. The top four batters will be the phoren brigade, given that Pussy is now with us. And for lower order, we need guys who can run fast, take quick singles and twos. So, Bhookha is of the view that there's no place for Lordie.
Dildo is wary of any more public fury. He has told Bhookha that he is free to take any decision he wants, but if it backfires Bhookha will have to face severe consequences. Skipper wasn't part of this discussion. I hear that Dildo called up Skipper separately and asked for his opinion. Skipper seems to have said that if Lordie doesn't fit in the lower order, he will have to come up and probably even open, if reqd. But there's no question of dropping Lordie. Not sure if Skipper and Bhookha have exchanged notes on this as they have been keeping a certain distance from one another lately. I don't think we have seen the last of this episode.
Bhookha isn't done yet, guys. He has a new friend on the block, none other than the Durbaan of Patiala. Bhookha and Durbaan Ji have lately been SMSing each other more than even Bombay teenaged girls on Virgin Mobile.
News from the Bubblies is that the Prince has reduced Durbaan's role to durbaangiri and nothing more. Durbaan is none too pleased and has been confiding in Vakeel Saab and Lady Jaya. Vakil Saab, who is the favourite huggy buggy, squeeze boy of Babli these days, has relayed the news to Babli. Not that Babli can do much abt it. Bunty controls the ship and Babli doesn't control Bunty anymore.
Anyway, Bhookha and Durbaan are writing a detailed Memo that they'll send to Saala Slimeball and his technical committee for next yr's competition. One of the points being allowing more foreigners in the side. Other points include removal of the icon player concept from next yr itself, reduction of strategy time break, higher level of media gagging, and removal of biased commentators who influence public opinion. (Not sure if FIP is worthy enough to find a place in this new Bible they are authoring). If Bhookha's still reading the blog, I'd like to slip in a couple of suggestions from my side that may dramatically change our fortunes next year. One, allowing overage, underfit players to wear roller skates while fielding. Two, allowing wicket keepers to wear gloves even if when they aren't keeping wickets.
Finally, as they say in English, "Form is temporary, class is permanent". Or, as they say in Hindi "Appam ka Samay aur Chutiya hamesha kat-ta hai". Appam's done it again. First, he messes with a guy twice his size who has just belted him for sixes & fours, and then he goes to Cool Dude asking about his chances of making it to the T20 WC team if the main bowler doesn't recover in time. Cool Dude just laughed it off saying that he doesn't plan on visiting the match referee during the T20 WC.
Match Day tomorrow. You’ll see what’s in store for Lordie.
Till then, adios
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Friday, May 8, 2009
Big Game Hunting
Pretoria is where all the action was yesterday with 4 teams there including the one and only Bevdaas. A Bevdaas insider informs that, true to their name, half their squad made it to Hatfield last night to drown their sorrows. Although, their performance yesterday hardly seemed to affect their mood too much.
Bevdaa has found a soulmate in our very own (sometimes opener, sometimes wk) Panty Curry. They have been bonded by their shared love for bottled beverages. Short of holding hands, the two fat asses seem every bit like a puppy couple in love. And if the number of bottles one can down decides the man in a relationship, our Panty Curry definitely wears the pants in that family. Surprising, but true!
In another club in Hatfield, Chirkut Teli and his U-19 teammate Chinnu Popli were out looking for some other form of intoxication. Chirkut Teli hits on a 100 girls every night, at least 99 of whom reject him outright. Not too quality conscious, he'd take those odds any day. Although, given his batting average, I find his faith in this law of averages a little ironical. As far as Chinnu is concerned, well, God has been unfairly unkind to him and he can't even afford to be quality conscious given that he barely manages to reach the waist height of most of the girls out here. Nights end early at Hatfield by western standards, and so did Chunnu's, as expected. But, going by what I hear, Chirkut Teli was a little more successful at Hatfield than at Centurion yesterday. Overall, I think the Bevdaas are trying their best to do their owner proud, if not on the field, definitely off it.
Back in our little base, our gang of losers also went looking for Big Game, trying their luck in several different nightspots. But each and every one of them returned empty handed. Quite predictable, I thought. Imagine a group comprising Gilli Danda, Buddhiman Baba and Bubaan hitting on hot white chicks. My respect for South African girls has actually gone up a bit. At least, they know a bunch of losers when they see one. Looks like we aren't catching anything in this tournament anymore.
There's rumour doing the rounds that Lordie will be "rested" for a couple of games. The only thing holding the Phoren Posse back, so far, is the fear of a public backlash. Bhookha, Coach and Boy had a 30-minute conference call with Dildo yesterday. They have proposed the idea to Dildo. With all the bad press and public sentiment, Dildo is opposed to the idea unless they can assure him that we will win. Although not part of the Drop Lordie brigade, Skipper doesn't seem to be entirely opposed to the idea either.
Chikna Pussy joins us today. He is sure to make it straight to the batting line up. The top 4 batters will be foreign recruits. Which also means that there's still no place for Bangla and/or Junta. Phoren Babas’ rule continues.
As I mentioned earlier, Skipper seems to be taking charge now... Let's see where this takes us.
Bevdaa has found a soulmate in our very own (sometimes opener, sometimes wk) Panty Curry. They have been bonded by their shared love for bottled beverages. Short of holding hands, the two fat asses seem every bit like a puppy couple in love. And if the number of bottles one can down decides the man in a relationship, our Panty Curry definitely wears the pants in that family. Surprising, but true!
In another club in Hatfield, Chirkut Teli and his U-19 teammate Chinnu Popli were out looking for some other form of intoxication. Chirkut Teli hits on a 100 girls every night, at least 99 of whom reject him outright. Not too quality conscious, he'd take those odds any day. Although, given his batting average, I find his faith in this law of averages a little ironical. As far as Chinnu is concerned, well, God has been unfairly unkind to him and he can't even afford to be quality conscious given that he barely manages to reach the waist height of most of the girls out here. Nights end early at Hatfield by western standards, and so did Chunnu's, as expected. But, going by what I hear, Chirkut Teli was a little more successful at Hatfield than at Centurion yesterday. Overall, I think the Bevdaas are trying their best to do their owner proud, if not on the field, definitely off it.
Back in our little base, our gang of losers also went looking for Big Game, trying their luck in several different nightspots. But each and every one of them returned empty handed. Quite predictable, I thought. Imagine a group comprising Gilli Danda, Buddhiman Baba and Bubaan hitting on hot white chicks. My respect for South African girls has actually gone up a bit. At least, they know a bunch of losers when they see one. Looks like we aren't catching anything in this tournament anymore.
There's rumour doing the rounds that Lordie will be "rested" for a couple of games. The only thing holding the Phoren Posse back, so far, is the fear of a public backlash. Bhookha, Coach and Boy had a 30-minute conference call with Dildo yesterday. They have proposed the idea to Dildo. With all the bad press and public sentiment, Dildo is opposed to the idea unless they can assure him that we will win. Although not part of the Drop Lordie brigade, Skipper doesn't seem to be entirely opposed to the idea either.
Chikna Pussy joins us today. He is sure to make it straight to the batting line up. The top 4 batters will be foreign recruits. Which also means that there's still no place for Bangla and/or Junta. Phoren Babas’ rule continues.
As I mentioned earlier, Skipper seems to be taking charge now... Let's see where this takes us.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Volcano erupts in the pool
Our day off yesterday was mostly on predictable lines. Guys simply hanging around, getting wasted. Some guys were off shopping. Some others went to the beach.
But then things did get heated up a bit by the time the sun began to set. Post lunch, most of us were in and around the pool. 8 of the guys, including the skipper, were playing water polo, 4-a-side. Others, including Bhookha and some of his buddies, were sitting around drinking beer. When the guys called the water polo match off, the score read 11-11. Bhookha, in his warped sense of humour, remarked that even in this game we couldn't win. Skipper, who's been seething in anger for the last couple of days, quickly retorted saying, "We're lucky you aren't the coach here 'coz then we'd have definitely lost". Not sure whether that was really funny, but everyone in and around the pool broke out in loud laughter. Not just that, we were guffawing for a good 2 minutes. Bhookha's face, already tanned red, seemed to be turning into a strange shade of purple. For the first time, ignoring that team meeting where Skipper rooted for Style Bhai, the Skipper has shown that he's had enough of Bhookha. This one moment may prove to be a decisive moment in our failed IPL campaign. If I were to read too much into it, I think from now on the Skipper will run the ship.
I wonder what took Skipper so long. He didn't select this team. He didn't participate in the talent scout. He didn't decide the batting order. He didn't decide that Junta would bowl the Super Over. He didn't prefer the young Aussie over Bangla. He didn't have a problem with Style Bhai's attitude. And when the shit has hit the fan, he is the one cleaning up. He, along with Dildo, have become the faces of our miserable performance. Where's Bhookha, all this while? He is peacefully hiding behind the army of support staff he has collected for himself. And of course his laptop.
After the last match, Lordie's had a quiet word with Skipper. Essentially telling him that if they have him in the side they need to use him properly. Can't blame Lordie, you know. The guy padded up almost as soon as the openers were in. And he remained padded up for the rest of the inning. At his age, padding up and padding down is quite an effort, you know. These foreigners have absolutely no respect for the elderly, I tell you.
Dildo's informed Boy George that he wants to be with the team for the last 2-3 matches. Looks like the marriage season in India is soon getting over.
News is rife that Dildo's contacted Sticky Something and asked about his availability for the entire IPL season next year. If Sticky Something makes himself available, looks like he will be made captain and he will build the team for next year. Also, Dildo's not selling the team, I've heard from very reliable sources.
I took time to read some of the comments. Looks like some of you want the dope on nocturnal activities of our superstars. I don't blame you coz that's what I want too. But unfortunately, I can't be going to nightclubs every night. And moreover, everyone's become very cautious about having anyone from our team around. And I will only write about what I see, hear and observe. I am not going to cook up stories to cater to the galleries. So, if I have not seen or heard about Appam Chutiya, I will refrain from writing about him.
Talking about Appam Chutiya, the single-biggest contribution of this blog to humanity has been the reformation of Appam Chutiya. For the last week or so, he has been at his best behaviour since the time he was punished in school for pissing on the plants. My congratulations to all those who've made his name such a cult. In the last match, even the crowd in SA was calling him Appam. I would assume a Nobel Peace Prize for such service to humanity may not be too far fetched, would it?
Am headed for breakfast now. Will catch up with you folks later. Till then, alvida.
P.S. Some guy has been posting comments using the name IPL Anonymous. It's not me. I will really appreciate it If any of you tech savvy folks can tell me how he's doing it and how I can stop it.
But then things did get heated up a bit by the time the sun began to set. Post lunch, most of us were in and around the pool. 8 of the guys, including the skipper, were playing water polo, 4-a-side. Others, including Bhookha and some of his buddies, were sitting around drinking beer. When the guys called the water polo match off, the score read 11-11. Bhookha, in his warped sense of humour, remarked that even in this game we couldn't win. Skipper, who's been seething in anger for the last couple of days, quickly retorted saying, "We're lucky you aren't the coach here 'coz then we'd have definitely lost". Not sure whether that was really funny, but everyone in and around the pool broke out in loud laughter. Not just that, we were guffawing for a good 2 minutes. Bhookha's face, already tanned red, seemed to be turning into a strange shade of purple. For the first time, ignoring that team meeting where Skipper rooted for Style Bhai, the Skipper has shown that he's had enough of Bhookha. This one moment may prove to be a decisive moment in our failed IPL campaign. If I were to read too much into it, I think from now on the Skipper will run the ship.
I wonder what took Skipper so long. He didn't select this team. He didn't participate in the talent scout. He didn't decide the batting order. He didn't decide that Junta would bowl the Super Over. He didn't prefer the young Aussie over Bangla. He didn't have a problem with Style Bhai's attitude. And when the shit has hit the fan, he is the one cleaning up. He, along with Dildo, have become the faces of our miserable performance. Where's Bhookha, all this while? He is peacefully hiding behind the army of support staff he has collected for himself. And of course his laptop.
After the last match, Lordie's had a quiet word with Skipper. Essentially telling him that if they have him in the side they need to use him properly. Can't blame Lordie, you know. The guy padded up almost as soon as the openers were in. And he remained padded up for the rest of the inning. At his age, padding up and padding down is quite an effort, you know. These foreigners have absolutely no respect for the elderly, I tell you.
Dildo's informed Boy George that he wants to be with the team for the last 2-3 matches. Looks like the marriage season in India is soon getting over.
News is rife that Dildo's contacted Sticky Something and asked about his availability for the entire IPL season next year. If Sticky Something makes himself available, looks like he will be made captain and he will build the team for next year. Also, Dildo's not selling the team, I've heard from very reliable sources.
I took time to read some of the comments. Looks like some of you want the dope on nocturnal activities of our superstars. I don't blame you coz that's what I want too. But unfortunately, I can't be going to nightclubs every night. And moreover, everyone's become very cautious about having anyone from our team around. And I will only write about what I see, hear and observe. I am not going to cook up stories to cater to the galleries. So, if I have not seen or heard about Appam Chutiya, I will refrain from writing about him.
Talking about Appam Chutiya, the single-biggest contribution of this blog to humanity has been the reformation of Appam Chutiya. For the last week or so, he has been at his best behaviour since the time he was punished in school for pissing on the plants. My congratulations to all those who've made his name such a cult. In the last match, even the crowd in SA was calling him Appam. I would assume a Nobel Peace Prize for such service to humanity may not be too far fetched, would it?
Am headed for breakfast now. Will catch up with you folks later. Till then, alvida.
P.S. Some guy has been posting comments using the name IPL Anonymous. It's not me. I will really appreciate it If any of you tech savvy folks can tell me how he's doing it and how I can stop it.
Finally some respite
Yet another game. Yet another spectacular display. And we find ourselves with most games under our belt and least points to show for it. In fact, we are the only team who has lesser points than games played. Now beat that guys!
As a reward for our performance (and also to spare you guys the torture), the organisers have given us 4 days off. That means no early flight to catch, no early morning training sessions, lots of sleep (& sleeping around for the hopeful souls), time spent in the pool, shopping, bitching around. Suddenly, life seems livable again.
Can't quite understand our performance in the field though. For 24 hours before the match, all we did was field, field and field. We fielded in the outfield, we fielded in the infield, we fielded under lights, we fielded over lights. We caught so many balls through the day that some of the boys were in serious danger of injuring themselves as they went for the balls even in their sleep. And look what it translated to during the game.
Before the game, we had a pep talk from Deputy Coach. All he talked about was fielding. And in some ways, he seemed to refer to us desi boys when talking about sloppy fielding. While we are certainly not the best fielders in the world, most of our young boys are as good as any, and I thought this was a little unjustified. And as our desi boys were doing us proud on the field, overrunning the ball, slipping clumsily, throwing wild, we were all squirming in our seats. From the corner of my eyes I noticed the coaches exchanging 'all-knowing' glances. And then, Skipper himself grassed a sitter. I, like some others on the bench, heaved a sigh of relief. At least now we won't be singled out. This time though, the coaches just stared at the field blankly. No look, no expression, no smirk. By the end of the game we had shown the world what an equal opportunity team we are. Irrespective of nationality, caste, colour, creed, everyone in the team had dropped catches. Wow! Talk about team spirit.
If dropping catches wasn't embarassing enough, our young boy Bubaan not only dropped a catch, he also showed half the stadium behind us his white cotton 'andar ki baat' while doing so. Dildo is furious at this gross indecent exposure. He feels this one act of negligence has caused more harm to our reputation than all our defeats put together. What's the point of spending so much money on designer jerseys if players wear their nadavalas under them? We have been told that, as per Dildo's orders, each of us will get 500 Rands to buy better looking jockeys. Good news for all of us, with the exception of Buddhiman Baba who is now a nervous wreck. He has been informed that in all of Africa they don't make jockeys his size.
Most of us are perplexed as to why Bangla Tiger is still warming the bench. Does Bhookha think that the wibbly wobblies will win us matches? I am sure Bhookha doesn't have attitude issues with Bangla, so all I can assume is that Bhookha's not aware of what all he can do in the field. So far Bangla hasn't questioned Bhookha on his exclusion and the rest of us aren't authorised to ask. Lordie, the only guy who can question if he wants to, doesn't really care any more and has absolutely nothing to say in team meetings or training sessions. He is just going through the drills. And outside of the ground, he hangs around with his old pals in other teams.
After the loss against the Bubblies, most of us were hurt and angry. So near, yet so far. Some of us thought that the umpire had lost it for us. After yesterday's loss, it's almost like we have been numbed. It doesn't hurt anymore. We have accepted this as our fate. Not that we were dancing in the ailes, but in the team bus we were quietly going about our own thing. No blame game, no analysis paralysis, nothing that would show that this matters to us anymore.
After the game Chhota Chetan was telling Little John that he feels we will spoil any one team's semi final chances. And since they play us again in Jo'burg in a few days, he is sceptical if we decide to pull the plug in that one game. I think Chhota has read it quite well. In one match, skipper's bound to fire and win the game on his own. And that unlucky team will lose out on the semis, purely as God's punishment for losing to the losers.
Most of us went out for dinner together last night. Word has it that our team sponsors are asking very uncomfortable questions. Some of the sponsors are threatening to pull out their ads with our team featuring in them. The heat has been put on Boy George. Dildo's asking him to justify almost every decision he has taken through the year. Every expense is now being scrutinised. I think the ground work is on for some heads to roll by the time we return to India.
As a reward for our performance (and also to spare you guys the torture), the organisers have given us 4 days off. That means no early flight to catch, no early morning training sessions, lots of sleep (& sleeping around for the hopeful souls), time spent in the pool, shopping, bitching around. Suddenly, life seems livable again.
Can't quite understand our performance in the field though. For 24 hours before the match, all we did was field, field and field. We fielded in the outfield, we fielded in the infield, we fielded under lights, we fielded over lights. We caught so many balls through the day that some of the boys were in serious danger of injuring themselves as they went for the balls even in their sleep. And look what it translated to during the game.
Before the game, we had a pep talk from Deputy Coach. All he talked about was fielding. And in some ways, he seemed to refer to us desi boys when talking about sloppy fielding. While we are certainly not the best fielders in the world, most of our young boys are as good as any, and I thought this was a little unjustified. And as our desi boys were doing us proud on the field, overrunning the ball, slipping clumsily, throwing wild, we were all squirming in our seats. From the corner of my eyes I noticed the coaches exchanging 'all-knowing' glances. And then, Skipper himself grassed a sitter. I, like some others on the bench, heaved a sigh of relief. At least now we won't be singled out. This time though, the coaches just stared at the field blankly. No look, no expression, no smirk. By the end of the game we had shown the world what an equal opportunity team we are. Irrespective of nationality, caste, colour, creed, everyone in the team had dropped catches. Wow! Talk about team spirit.
If dropping catches wasn't embarassing enough, our young boy Bubaan not only dropped a catch, he also showed half the stadium behind us his white cotton 'andar ki baat' while doing so. Dildo is furious at this gross indecent exposure. He feels this one act of negligence has caused more harm to our reputation than all our defeats put together. What's the point of spending so much money on designer jerseys if players wear their nadavalas under them? We have been told that, as per Dildo's orders, each of us will get 500 Rands to buy better looking jockeys. Good news for all of us, with the exception of Buddhiman Baba who is now a nervous wreck. He has been informed that in all of Africa they don't make jockeys his size.
Most of us are perplexed as to why Bangla Tiger is still warming the bench. Does Bhookha think that the wibbly wobblies will win us matches? I am sure Bhookha doesn't have attitude issues with Bangla, so all I can assume is that Bhookha's not aware of what all he can do in the field. So far Bangla hasn't questioned Bhookha on his exclusion and the rest of us aren't authorised to ask. Lordie, the only guy who can question if he wants to, doesn't really care any more and has absolutely nothing to say in team meetings or training sessions. He is just going through the drills. And outside of the ground, he hangs around with his old pals in other teams.
After the loss against the Bubblies, most of us were hurt and angry. So near, yet so far. Some of us thought that the umpire had lost it for us. After yesterday's loss, it's almost like we have been numbed. It doesn't hurt anymore. We have accepted this as our fate. Not that we were dancing in the ailes, but in the team bus we were quietly going about our own thing. No blame game, no analysis paralysis, nothing that would show that this matters to us anymore.
After the game Chhota Chetan was telling Little John that he feels we will spoil any one team's semi final chances. And since they play us again in Jo'burg in a few days, he is sceptical if we decide to pull the plug in that one game. I think Chhota has read it quite well. In one match, skipper's bound to fire and win the game on his own. And that unlucky team will lose out on the semis, purely as God's punishment for losing to the losers.
Most of us went out for dinner together last night. Word has it that our team sponsors are asking very uncomfortable questions. Some of the sponsors are threatening to pull out their ads with our team featuring in them. The heat has been put on Boy George. Dildo's asking him to justify almost every decision he has taken through the year. Every expense is now being scrutinised. I think the ground work is on for some heads to roll by the time we return to India.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Is this a bad dream?
It's been more than 24 hours and yesterday's loss still hurts. After the game, as I shook hands with the skipper, I felt a tinge of guilt. The pain of loss was evident in the Skip's eyes. For all the uncomplimentary things I may have written about him, the guy definitely gave it his best. It's just that he had to handle a lot more baggage than he was prepared for. The worst part is, he didn't create any of the baggage, it was handed to him. He inherited a fractured squad, bloated egos, a string of hangers on, a demanding owner, and an unforgiving public. After the game, the skipper addressed all of us. He spoke of his failure as a player and a leader, owned up responsibility, promised everyone a chance to show his mettle, and encouraged us to take one game at a time.
It was amusing watching the coaching staff yesterday while the game was on. While our fielding coach was busy browsing naukri.com, our Throwing Coach accusingly glared at our Wicket-keeping coach every time Skipper and Buddhiman Baba had their slip ups in the outfield. After the match our bowling coach and our assistant coach were discussing whether Fake IPL Player is responsible for the dropped catches. I am waiting for the day Bhookha blames global warming for our performance.
We flew in to Durban today. This tour now seems like a hazy, repetitive dream. We wake up, go to the ground, get bashed around, return, go to sleep, wake up, fly into another city, get bashed around again, go to sleep... and the sequence continues. Will this ever end? Will I ever wake up? Chatterjee Kaku, jabaab deen.
After several false alarms, Calypso finally left us. Although, we didn't quite get the party he promised, it was nice of him to stay back for the extra game. A game in which he scored 17, went wicketless and dropped a sitter. Thanks for staying, Maan.
The Kiwi coach will also leave us tomorrow after the game. He's had a highly educative few days, marked with a very sharp learning curve, and he leaves with a halo around his head now. As he gathers all the pearls of wisdom he has collected and takes the Kiwi team to the T20 WC, we all know who the most dangerous team in that competition is going to be. All the best Mr. Mole. If you need any any assitance, our coach will soon be available.
Before we boarded the flight, news went around that Bhookha isn't happy with just 4 foreign players allowed in the 11. That's a valid point actually, and I think all of us owe him an apology. Sorry Mr. Naan. We forgot to tell you that this is the INDIAN premier league.
Skipper has promised some of the benchwarmers a chance in the next few games. Hope I get one too. Will keep you guys posted.
It was amusing watching the coaching staff yesterday while the game was on. While our fielding coach was busy browsing naukri.com, our Throwing Coach accusingly glared at our Wicket-keeping coach every time Skipper and Buddhiman Baba had their slip ups in the outfield. After the match our bowling coach and our assistant coach were discussing whether Fake IPL Player is responsible for the dropped catches. I am waiting for the day Bhookha blames global warming for our performance.
We flew in to Durban today. This tour now seems like a hazy, repetitive dream. We wake up, go to the ground, get bashed around, return, go to sleep, wake up, fly into another city, get bashed around again, go to sleep... and the sequence continues. Will this ever end? Will I ever wake up? Chatterjee Kaku, jabaab deen.
After several false alarms, Calypso finally left us. Although, we didn't quite get the party he promised, it was nice of him to stay back for the extra game. A game in which he scored 17, went wicketless and dropped a sitter. Thanks for staying, Maan.
The Kiwi coach will also leave us tomorrow after the game. He's had a highly educative few days, marked with a very sharp learning curve, and he leaves with a halo around his head now. As he gathers all the pearls of wisdom he has collected and takes the Kiwi team to the T20 WC, we all know who the most dangerous team in that competition is going to be. All the best Mr. Mole. If you need any any assitance, our coach will soon be available.
Before we boarded the flight, news went around that Bhookha isn't happy with just 4 foreign players allowed in the 11. That's a valid point actually, and I think all of us owe him an apology. Sorry Mr. Naan. We forgot to tell you that this is the INDIAN premier league.
Skipper has promised some of the benchwarmers a chance in the next few games. Hope I get one too. Will keep you guys posted.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Port Elizabeth - Here we come again
We are back in Port Elizabeth, the same place where we were revaged in full public view just a few days ago. The sight of Aila blasting the crap out of our bowlers is still quite fresh in our minds. Ironically, this time we face the only team we have beaten so far.
We had a training session at the ground. The Bubblies were there too. And it was fun observing them go about their drills for today's game.
Prince Charles looked ominous. He was stroking the ball really well. I have a funny feeling that he will finish a career or two today. Appam Chutiya has started bowling in the nets and seems to be getting to match fitness. I think he may be back soon. So, all the best guys. Surprisingly though, he was quite well behaved, hardly ever acted himself at the nets. It's amazing how each IPL season Appam seems to leapfrog a few stages of the evolution cycle. Last year, with just one tight slap he suddenly evolved from being an Ape to a Neanderthal. And the run-in with Re-Peter seems to have magically brought him to the Cave Man stage. If someone were to meet him for the first time today, he could almost mistake Appam to be a normal human being. RVR Sing, aka Pamela Inder Singh, was bowling his breasts out. Lady Jaya was a picture of concentration at the nets. Deeghra Patan was swinging the ball both ways in the nets. Even Arnold Power stretched a muscle of two. All in all, they looked like a happy bunch of guys at the moment. And, given our level of preparedness, we are unlikely to spoil their mood today.
The Rajpoots were out celebrating their victory last night. They were at P.E.'s favourite watering hole, 9 Yards. Some of the Dhakkans were there too. And since, nobody invites us anymore, thanks to yours truly, we had to find out where they are and landed up at the venue. Haven't seen the Two Sisters and Big Brother in P.E. as yet. Are they are still in SA? The Sheikh was in full form though. With the Two Sisters missing, the Sheikh was compensating quality with quantity, sitting with a few arm candies, the Dhakkan coach and a young Aussie cricketer. The Dhakkans' cheer leaders seemed to be working over time last night. Now we know why they are at the top of the table (hope Dildo's listening). Dhakkans' middle order batsman, Ghati Baba, was busy practicing his pick-up & throw skills with 2 of their cheerleaders. He sure doesn't want to misfield another one in the 49th over, does he? It was Castro's last night here and he sure was making it count. Being the class act that he is, even off the field he seemed to be aiming at the block-hole. Unfortunately, we have an early start today so had to return before things got really hot and out of control over there.
In our team, well, nobody has a frickin' clue of what to do now. Not even one player - batsman or bowler - has performed so far. On what grounds do u drop anyone at all, or on what grounds do you select anyone? Last season, at least a couple of our players were close to getting into the Indian side. After this season, we don't know if anyone from this team will make it to even next year's IPL team. Our physio has confirmed that 3 support staff members will be sent back soon. And Bhookha Naan and his core group have already started their souvenier shopping. They have been politely spoken to by Boy George. Ironical again, coz even Boy should probably be on his way out. Lately, Dildo's been asking him to justify a lot of the expenses and resources he has at his disposal. He seems to be the most stressed man in the squad at the moment.
Observing our team from a distance, it's not hard to tell why we are the only side now with absolutely no chance of making it to the semis. The Phoren Babas hang out together, the support staff are in their own little world, the India rejects tend to stick together and the rest of us domestic players find comfort in each others' company. Lordie usually finds someone in the opposing team to hang out with, like Prince Charles or Meera Bhai. There's a very clear class system in our team. We truly are the Rainbow team in the Rainbow country. To tell you a secret, nobody in the team wants to hang around here any longer. We'd rather fly back and dance at a few weddings. If only we had the choice like some others do.
Skipper wants Bangla Tiger in the squad today. Candy Nickle spent a lot of time with him and while Deputy Coach spent time with the Springbok. One of them is definitely in today. Bangla adds zing to our bowling, while the Springbok has the experience of facing a bullet at point blank range and surviving - a skill that'll come very handy while playing for our team.
Finally, it's Calypso's last game with us today. He's been considerate enough to stay with us longer to help us win a match or two. The extra two matches also fatten up his bank a/c substantially, but I am sure that would have hardly crossed his mind given the selfless person he is. Calypso has promised to throw a lavish party for us tonight if we win the game. Sure maan! That's the incentive we've been looking for all this while.
Amen!
We had a training session at the ground. The Bubblies were there too. And it was fun observing them go about their drills for today's game.
Prince Charles looked ominous. He was stroking the ball really well. I have a funny feeling that he will finish a career or two today. Appam Chutiya has started bowling in the nets and seems to be getting to match fitness. I think he may be back soon. So, all the best guys. Surprisingly though, he was quite well behaved, hardly ever acted himself at the nets. It's amazing how each IPL season Appam seems to leapfrog a few stages of the evolution cycle. Last year, with just one tight slap he suddenly evolved from being an Ape to a Neanderthal. And the run-in with Re-Peter seems to have magically brought him to the Cave Man stage. If someone were to meet him for the first time today, he could almost mistake Appam to be a normal human being. RVR Sing, aka Pamela Inder Singh, was bowling his breasts out. Lady Jaya was a picture of concentration at the nets. Deeghra Patan was swinging the ball both ways in the nets. Even Arnold Power stretched a muscle of two. All in all, they looked like a happy bunch of guys at the moment. And, given our level of preparedness, we are unlikely to spoil their mood today.
The Rajpoots were out celebrating their victory last night. They were at P.E.'s favourite watering hole, 9 Yards. Some of the Dhakkans were there too. And since, nobody invites us anymore, thanks to yours truly, we had to find out where they are and landed up at the venue. Haven't seen the Two Sisters and Big Brother in P.E. as yet. Are they are still in SA? The Sheikh was in full form though. With the Two Sisters missing, the Sheikh was compensating quality with quantity, sitting with a few arm candies, the Dhakkan coach and a young Aussie cricketer. The Dhakkans' cheer leaders seemed to be working over time last night. Now we know why they are at the top of the table (hope Dildo's listening). Dhakkans' middle order batsman, Ghati Baba, was busy practicing his pick-up & throw skills with 2 of their cheerleaders. He sure doesn't want to misfield another one in the 49th over, does he? It was Castro's last night here and he sure was making it count. Being the class act that he is, even off the field he seemed to be aiming at the block-hole. Unfortunately, we have an early start today so had to return before things got really hot and out of control over there.
In our team, well, nobody has a frickin' clue of what to do now. Not even one player - batsman or bowler - has performed so far. On what grounds do u drop anyone at all, or on what grounds do you select anyone? Last season, at least a couple of our players were close to getting into the Indian side. After this season, we don't know if anyone from this team will make it to even next year's IPL team. Our physio has confirmed that 3 support staff members will be sent back soon. And Bhookha Naan and his core group have already started their souvenier shopping. They have been politely spoken to by Boy George. Ironical again, coz even Boy should probably be on his way out. Lately, Dildo's been asking him to justify a lot of the expenses and resources he has at his disposal. He seems to be the most stressed man in the squad at the moment.
Observing our team from a distance, it's not hard to tell why we are the only side now with absolutely no chance of making it to the semis. The Phoren Babas hang out together, the support staff are in their own little world, the India rejects tend to stick together and the rest of us domestic players find comfort in each others' company. Lordie usually finds someone in the opposing team to hang out with, like Prince Charles or Meera Bhai. There's a very clear class system in our team. We truly are the Rainbow team in the Rainbow country. To tell you a secret, nobody in the team wants to hang around here any longer. We'd rather fly back and dance at a few weddings. If only we had the choice like some others do.
Skipper wants Bangla Tiger in the squad today. Candy Nickle spent a lot of time with him and while Deputy Coach spent time with the Springbok. One of them is definitely in today. Bangla adds zing to our bowling, while the Springbok has the experience of facing a bullet at point blank range and surviving - a skill that'll come very handy while playing for our team.
Finally, it's Calypso's last game with us today. He's been considerate enough to stay with us longer to help us win a match or two. The extra two matches also fatten up his bank a/c substantially, but I am sure that would have hardly crossed his mind given the selfless person he is. Calypso has promised to throw a lavish party for us tonight if we win the game. Sure maan! That's the incentive we've been looking for all this while.
Amen!
Friday, May 1, 2009
Bye Calypso. Thanks for entertaining us!
Calypso King is leaving us and his departure isn't in very pleasant circumstances. The team management threw an early farewell party for him after the last defeat. Dildo wasn't around to sponsor this one though, so it went from the team kitty. No one was particularly pleased with the idea of hanging out together, although no one objected to it openly. Since, the posts have been coming out, guys are making their own small groups and going out to places without informing others. No one wants Fake IPL Player to land up there and broadcast their nefarious activities to the whole world. In fact, the blog has affected the nocturnal lives of IPLers in more ways than one would have expected. Teams are now trying to find out before hand where our team is headed after the match, to ensure that they don't land up at the same place. Kishen Kanhaiyya, whose tour took an unexpected turn after the Opium Night expose, is having the driest tour ever in his life. Little Sister has still not given in to the Sheikh's famed magic. Little John's been getting frantic phone calls from his Mom and he's had to promise her that he will return to India "Ganga jaisa pavitra" (I couldn't believe my ears myself but these ARE the exact words he used). So, in the backdrop of all this, we had to go for Calypso's farewell party.
While the drinks flowed, the music blared, Calypso suggested to Skipper that he should tattoo his IPL scores. (For the uninitiated, the skipper has tattooed his cricketing numbers in Roman numerals on his arms.) WHile the skipper was thinking about what to say, Calypso started a discussion on whether there's a Zero in Roman, obviously referring to the skipper's ducks during the tournament. Finally, in drunken stupor, the skipper reacted with a few choicest words of his own. He was eventually whisked away by Candy Nickle to avoid a blow down.
For the rest of the evening, the two weren't seen together. They didn't shake hands before Calypso left the party.
Mangal Pandey's phone was lying unattented on our table while he was warming his palms in one of the dark corners of the club. Bhookha's deputy, in an inspired move to catch the Fake IPL Player red handed, started scanning through his SMSes. The news was eventually relayed to Mangal who then gave the the Deputy a crash course in Bhojpuri, a discourse he is unlikely to forget in the short term.
The butt of most jokes during the party was Our Man Dildo himself. Most jokes were around the rat abandoning the sinking ship. I couldn't help but smile at the irony of it all. A man, who till a few weeks ago was our hero has now become to most laughed at man in the team. Bangla Tiger, who was busy clicking pics with the star till the other day, was cracking the funniest jokes on him in Bengali. As they say, the higher you rise, the harder you fall.
Apparently, Dildo didn't meet anyone before leaving for India. And he has sent an email to Boy George asking him to justify such a large support staff. The paranoia has shifted to the support staff now and there's news that 5 of them will be asked to return. Boy George and Bhookha Naan were locked in a meeting for 2 hours yesterday.
The Kiwi coach has joined us to observe and learn from us. As if one mole wasn't enough, our team now has invited a new one. Whatever prompted Mr Genius to choose our team over others, what's now clear is why New Zealand is placed 8th in the ICC rankings.
On the whole, the team's now waiting for IPL to get over to go back home. As a team and as individuals we have achieved all that we had planned for. We have successfully sent Dildo packing, we have improved our performance over last year, we have reached depths that
others can only dream of, Little John can now score only on the pitch, Kaan Moolo has finally convinced the world that no matter how hard he tries he can't get any worse, Bhookha has earned enough to finally retire, and I think I am kind of reaching the end of my blogging career. I think there isn't much to play for any more.
Finally, it's official now. Bhookha, Skipper and the entire support staff are resigning at the end of the season. (If they don't, they'll probably be sacked anyway.)
Your's truly.
P.S. I think some website's been advertising that I am appearing for a live chat. That's not true. Under the circumstances I can't live chat at all and nobody knows who I am.
P.P.S. Some people are replying to comments posing as IPL Anonymous. It's not me. I haven't participated in the comments section. Pls don't believe the guy posing as me.
P.P.P.S. I have heard that Dildo's PR team has decided to degrade this blog by posting malicious and critical comments, and also by spamming in the comments section. If only this energy was seen in building the team.
P.P.P.P.S. The focus has shifted to the Support Staff. The management is now convinced that the Fake IPL Player is not a player, but a support staff member. Let's see where this trail takes them.
P.P.P.P.P.S. I have decided to retire from all forms of cricket after IPL. I will disclose my identity on our last match day.
While the drinks flowed, the music blared, Calypso suggested to Skipper that he should tattoo his IPL scores. (For the uninitiated, the skipper has tattooed his cricketing numbers in Roman numerals on his arms.) WHile the skipper was thinking about what to say, Calypso started a discussion on whether there's a Zero in Roman, obviously referring to the skipper's ducks during the tournament. Finally, in drunken stupor, the skipper reacted with a few choicest words of his own. He was eventually whisked away by Candy Nickle to avoid a blow down.
For the rest of the evening, the two weren't seen together. They didn't shake hands before Calypso left the party.
Mangal Pandey's phone was lying unattented on our table while he was warming his palms in one of the dark corners of the club. Bhookha's deputy, in an inspired move to catch the Fake IPL Player red handed, started scanning through his SMSes. The news was eventually relayed to Mangal who then gave the the Deputy a crash course in Bhojpuri, a discourse he is unlikely to forget in the short term.
The butt of most jokes during the party was Our Man Dildo himself. Most jokes were around the rat abandoning the sinking ship. I couldn't help but smile at the irony of it all. A man, who till a few weeks ago was our hero has now become to most laughed at man in the team. Bangla Tiger, who was busy clicking pics with the star till the other day, was cracking the funniest jokes on him in Bengali. As they say, the higher you rise, the harder you fall.
Apparently, Dildo didn't meet anyone before leaving for India. And he has sent an email to Boy George asking him to justify such a large support staff. The paranoia has shifted to the support staff now and there's news that 5 of them will be asked to return. Boy George and Bhookha Naan were locked in a meeting for 2 hours yesterday.
The Kiwi coach has joined us to observe and learn from us. As if one mole wasn't enough, our team now has invited a new one. Whatever prompted Mr Genius to choose our team over others, what's now clear is why New Zealand is placed 8th in the ICC rankings.
On the whole, the team's now waiting for IPL to get over to go back home. As a team and as individuals we have achieved all that we had planned for. We have successfully sent Dildo packing, we have improved our performance over last year, we have reached depths that
others can only dream of, Little John can now score only on the pitch, Kaan Moolo has finally convinced the world that no matter how hard he tries he can't get any worse, Bhookha has earned enough to finally retire, and I think I am kind of reaching the end of my blogging career. I think there isn't much to play for any more.
Finally, it's official now. Bhookha, Skipper and the entire support staff are resigning at the end of the season. (If they don't, they'll probably be sacked anyway.)
Your's truly.
P.S. I think some website's been advertising that I am appearing for a live chat. That's not true. Under the circumstances I can't live chat at all and nobody knows who I am.
P.P.S. Some people are replying to comments posing as IPL Anonymous. It's not me. I haven't participated in the comments section. Pls don't believe the guy posing as me.
P.P.P.S. I have heard that Dildo's PR team has decided to degrade this blog by posting malicious and critical comments, and also by spamming in the comments section. If only this energy was seen in building the team.
P.P.P.P.S. The focus has shifted to the Support Staff. The management is now convinced that the Fake IPL Player is not a player, but a support staff member. Let's see where this trail takes them.
P.P.P.P.P.S. I have decided to retire from all forms of cricket after IPL. I will disclose my identity on our last match day.
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